Max Curls Up with Me

JOURNAL ENTRY 12

01/xx/2004
Time unknown

Max Curls Up with Me

This journal entry is like déjà vu
and the song “Coming Back to You” by Macy Gray 27

I labeled this journal entry 01/xx because, when so many wild and curious events began to take place, I hadn’t been keeping a record of everything. I do remember, though, that when this event happened, I’d been meditating a lot – praying for peace, fortitude, knowledge and understanding.

And so, right around this time, I’m lying on the sofa when out of the blue, I get the sense that my husband, a disembodied spirit, is curling up around me. I am barely awake. Even so, I’m able to discern powerful thought-forms and emotions surging toward me in waves. I doubt this will make much sense to anyone, but this is the only way I can describe it: I can just about hear Max’s voice as if it is light years away, yet I distinctly hear him cry out, “M-a-n-d-y, I love you.”

“Mandy, I love you!”

Then, without forethought and certainly without any effort, I find myself screaming, “Max, Max, I love you too!” Then I pause, waiting for a response, but I can’t hear a thing. So I say, “Where are you? I mean, I can feel you, but where are you?”

Then, I hear him say, “Mandy…” but I am unable to hear the rest of his words. Like the blips from a bad radio signal, his sound simply fades into a hum… then nothing. And as his voice drifts away, so does his being.

Still, I do not feel alone or empty, and I glide into a bottomless sleep.

ᴥ ᴥ ᴥ

These incredibly heartfelt, if not impassioned moments happened about four or five times over a three-week period. Nevertheless, I am at a loss because I cannot fully comprehend what took place. But in light of all that has happened since December of 2003, I decided to try to capture and make note of these beautifully compelling thoughts and feelings coming through to me. Sometimes the forms arrived as symbols and visual patterns, sometimes as emotions, and other times as words of the English language – all having Max’s unique, resonant quality.

Regardless, my words do not and never will do justice to these overpowering experiences.

27 Gray, Macy. “Coming Back to You.” Déjà Vu (Original Soundtrack). Hollywood,
2006. CD.

(This excerpt was taken from Mandy Berlin’s 3rd book, Death Is Not “The End”)

Leave a Reply